Slop Bucket List

Inspired once again by MamaKat’s Writer’s Workshop, here are the Top Ten Things I NEVER Want To Do:

10.  Camping- in any form- tent, camper, lodge, etc.  I am not a high maintenance kind of girl.  I don’t require designer things or to have my nails done.  I don’t need lattes from Starbucks or fancy jewelry.  However, I DO require indoor plumbing, a heat/air system and a nice soft bed free of bugs and rodents as well as the possibility that if I close my eyes, one might appear.

9. Play in a Band:  I sing and I enjoy it.  However, I just don’t like loud music.  I never really have. 

8.  White Water Raft:  The only white water I want to see is from the current in a jacuzzi.  That’s as adventurous as I get.  Sorry. 

7.  Professional Bra Fitting:  Ladies, there’s just not that much there in the first place, and I really don’t need someone else to call attention to my short-comings.  Also, true confession- I have never wanted to be any bigger than the size “A”  I am.  When I was pregnant and they got to the enormous size of a “C” cup (not even kidding), they were, frankly, in my way.  They made exercise difficult and they were sweat traps.  So, I’ll just be an “A”.  I like it that way.

6.  Wear Contacts:  If God had meant for us to intentionally stick things in our own eyes, He would not have made blinking a reflex!  Think about it.

5.  Be A Nurse:  I am a compassionate woman.  I am.  And, perhaps being, say, an obstetrics nurse would be okay.  However, to get to that point, there are a lot of “dues” to be paid, and frankly, I’m just not willing to voluntarily clean up anyone’s bodily fluids.  I am a sympathy puker.  I’m not thinking that is on the list of attributes that make an effective nurse.  So, while I am amazingly grateful to those nurses who have been there for me at various stages of stomach upset and post-op insanity, I am unwilling to pay that price to “be there” for total strangers. 

4. Go Sky-Diving:  Why?  Why would anyone jump from a perfectly well-functioning airplane?  Why leave the relative comfort of such a vehicle, opting instead, for a thin piece of nylon that is “supposed” to launch via “pull cord”?  Hello?  What if the chord breaks?  Malfunctions?  What if. . . .?  Well, the possibilities are endless, so uh, no thanks!

3.  Go caving:  Again, why?  Why crawl into a space inhabited by God knows what with a light attached to your head?  I want to go into a place with lights ON in the ceiling, operated by a switch.  Oh, and that dank, musty smell?  I’ll skip that too please.

2.  Run a Marathon:  Again, why?  Is something chasing you?  Did you lose a bet?  Seriously?  For fun?  I don’t get it.  My running shoes are for “running” errands.  They provide a nice bounce in my step at the grocery and Target.  That’s all I need, really.

1.  Eat raw oysters.  I love fried oysters.  Anything fried is good, and so wonderfully bad for you at the same time.  But, the slime of the little critters is beyond my ability to swallow and the mere thought of allowing it to “just glide down your throat” as some have suggested, makes me gag!  So, thanks, but no.

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