My Haunted Brain

One need not be a chamber to be haunted, One need not be a house. The brain has corridors surpassing material place. ~ Emily Dickinson

Growing up, in the fall of each year, the Jaycees staged a Haunted House.  It was their big fund-raiser and everyone went, every year, except me.  In the first place, I don’t like to be scared and in the second, I don’t need a haunted house to be scared silly, I have my own thoughts, and they work just fine, thank you very much!   Ever since I can remember, I have been very, VERY good at these two games:  “What If” and “Worst Case Scenario”.  I AM the champ (key the Jeopardy music here).

I have been reading Mama Kat’s Blog periodically for a couple of months now and noticed her Writer’s Workshop, which intrigued me.  So, after several weeks (’cause I’m nothing if not cautious), I signed up.  So now, I get writing prompts via email each week, on Tuesday to be exact.  Visit her for your own,  It’s fun, really!

Anyway, I open them each week and there is usually one I like and I formulate in my head what I would say about it IF I wrote on the topic.  I say IF because somehow, it’s easier to just watch from the sidelines.  Because, really, I mean, What IF I somehow mess up, or, What IF someone actually READS it, and What IF I try to insert her cute little button that I’m sure she spent HOURS getting “just right”, and I can’t get it copied in here correctly and then she doesn’t like me  even though I can figure out how to at least LINK to her blog, and she doesn’t even know me and I’m sunk before I ever even start!?????  See?!  LOTS of corridors to travel in this brain of mine! 

I mean, seriously people, this is supposed to be FUN, right?  What IF I can’t write on one topic per week?  What IF I can’t keep up?  What IF it doesn’t really matter? The haunting starts: now!  Sheeesh!

The “What If” game follows me frequently.  It is an equal opportunity stalker, crossing all barriers, it enters all territories:  friendship, family, marriage,  cooking, housekeeping, gardening, teaching, singing, my health, acting, parenting, you name it, I’m in! 

However, the Grand Poobah of them all for me is cancer.  The name of the Game is:  Where and When Will It Strike Again?  I am a survivor, nine years to be exact.  For the type I had, “the question isn’t IF it will return, but WHEN and WHERE“.  Those are the words out of the surgeon’s mouth that haunt me the most.  I feel as if there is this evil, “lurking”, just waiting to pounce at the most inopportune of moments.  I am vigilant about any abnormality I find.  The stakes are high and I have intervened twice already to prevent further spread.  The joke has become, “How many more body parts can you have removed?”   I laugh along with everyone, but secretly, it’s not always funny to me.  Secretly, I ponder, because really, What IF?





4 thoughts on “My Haunted Brain

  1. I like…a lot. My first week doing this too, and the what if’s almost got me. I’m glad you didn’t let them get you either. What you had to say moved me. Hope you don’t let them get yo next week either 🙂

  2. Oooh, I see we are haunted by many of the same things, and in particular, the What Ifs.

    Also, another thing we have in common: I never went to the Jaycees haunted houses either! I am extremely claustrophobic, and being in tight, closed in spaces IN THE DARK was really, more than I could endure. All these years later, I STILL don’t do haunted houses; that’s what daddy is for now!

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